Act II Scene 5
Setting: The scene is simply a large gate. Everything else put on stage should be white so as to represent the typical view of what heaven might look like. As the scene starts, Laslow is before the gate with his back to the audience. Around him are several angel looking characters. They are humming and trying to match with the flat line beep from the other scene's end. Eventually, the humming should start sounding like Knocking On Heaven's Door. Laslow turns to the audience and starts singing
Knocking on Heaven's
(end of song)
Las: (to angels) What… what do I do now? Do I just go in? (they don't respond) Little help?
(A loud booming voice is heard over the sound system, this voice is that of God. Laslow should pretend like God is on top of the gate)
God: You may enter if you so desire…
Las: Whose there?
God: I go by many names…
Las: Well… what can I call you?
God: Whatever you so desire…
Las: Are you… God?
God: If you so wish, that I shall be
Las: Oh… ok… um, God… can I ask you a couple questions before I go in?
God: If you so desire
Las: Um, God… how old are you exactly?
God: I'm older then most can fathom
Las: And how old is that?
God: I am over 5000 years old…
Las: (pause) What?
God: I know, the number boggles the mind.
Las: Did you take over this job from your Dad or something?
God: No, I am Alpha, the beginning of existence, I have no father
Las: But… you are aware humans pre-date 5000 years…
Las: Humans… they've been around longer then you have…
God: Hahaha, my child, humans have only existed for 2000 years.
Las: No-o-o, that carpenter guy, your son…
God: I love their songs
Las: No, not the carpenters, the carpenter, your son, Jesus?
God: Oh yeah, him. He made me a shoddy spice rack for fathers day, so-o-o, I had him crucified
Las: Mother of God!
God: Actually, I don't have a-
God: I am Alpha, I am-
Las: Yes, yes, I know, bus as I was saying, humanity started long, long, before 5000 years ago.
God: Can you prove that? No, I didn't thi-
Las: Yes, yes I can.
God: Oh… um…
Las: What do you do anyway?
God: … stuff
Las: Such as?
God: I keep myself busy
Las: I bet, but, what do you do? Do you hear people's prayers? Do you see whats going on on earth?
Las: And are you ever gonna do something about anything?
God: I give all my children free choice
Las: Is that the real reason? Do you seriously hear all the prayers?
God: Yes… I just don't care
Las: Are you serious?!
Las: Are you really God?
Las: So you saw what I did to get here?
Las: So… why aren't I burning in eternal agony right now?
God: … it's full
Las: What's full?
God: Hell… there's no more room
God: You see, Hell is eternal damnation. When the place got started out, it worked fine, but the thing was, once you were in, there was no leaving. With that, the place kind of filled up, and now its full… forever.
Las: What about Purgatory then?
God: Well, basically, we turned Purgatory into a long line headed for Hell. Once the line stopped moving after Hell filled up though, Purgatory filled up pretty quick itself.
Las: So… everyone is allowed in heaven now?
Las: Couldn't you just make a new hell, or make hell bigger?
God: Do I look like the God of Construction to you?
Las: No… you look like THE God to me!
Las: Can't you do anything?
God: …Um… I'm losing your signal… you must be going… a bridge or some…g. I'm.. osing you.
Las: We're not on the phone!
God: Please leave a message at the sound of the tone
Las: I died just to go through this?!
God: (long pause) beep
Las: I can still see you!
God: That's it! I'm leaving (sound of footsteps)
Las: Stop hitting your hands on your knees!
God: Ummm… no
Las: Alright, alright, this should be an easy question, so try to stay with me, ok?
God: Very well, proceed my child.
Las: Why do humans exist? What is the meaning of life?
God: (long pause) I am Alpha, I am the be-
Las: I know that, but please, answer the question
God: I'd tell you… but there is no point
Las: To life?
God: No, to telling you. What's the point in life's meaning after you've died? People worry too much about these things. If you know the purpose of life, do you believe you could fulfill it?
Las: I'd… I'd try
God: I bet.
Las: What's that supposed to mean?
God: You couldn't even accomplish the basic meaning of life.
Las: And what's that?
God: You live your life, others live theirs
Las: I lived my life!
God: No, you lived by judging other people's lives
Las: Yeah, well… well… so what?! That's how I decided to live my life!
God: And what did you accomplish?
Las: … stuff
God: Care to elaborate?
Las: I kept myself busy
God: Haha, very well
Las: Your toying with me, aren't you?
God: Just trying to give you a message
Las: And that is?
God: Lighten up… enjoy heaven… take a break
Las: (pause) But… ( a harp plays and Prat and Dan enter, both dressed in white) Dad? Uncle Dan?
Dan: I should've lost my head with glory… not in a blender incident.
Prat: I didn't die, did I? God Damn it!
God: Very well (a sound effect is heard, Dan falls through a trap door) Whoops, guess my aim is off.
Las: Dad, your dead… so am I… what happened to you?
Prat: I slipped in the shower and broke my neck, I guess
Las: That's… that's really… unexpected.
Prat: (looks up at God) So… your not a rock…
Prat: Well, good for you… mind if I go in?
God: Yes, but can I really stop you?
Prat: I'd hope so
God: Um… fear my wrath?
Las: I wouldn't count on it
Prat: Well, I'm goin in, I'll see you inside (Prat exits, as he does, a harp is heard signaling his entry)(Enter Lucia, Pogue, and Donna. Harp plays again)
Las: What happened to you guys?
Pog: I drained someone with ebola…
Luc: Mayor Stalin gassed me…
Don: I tried to get a sample from a horny guerrilla, then everything went black, and here I was… speaking of samples… Laslow?
God: Be a sport
Las: You stay out of this! What about that whole free choice thing?
God: Um… I am Al-
Las: I know! I know! But no, ya know?!
God: Um… no
Las: I thought you said you knew everything
God: I do
Las: Then you know what I mean, right?
Las: Oh, God!
Las: Nevermind! And you three… just go in
God: Who do you think you are, St. Peter?
God: Is that another question?
Luc: Well, I see you two are quite engrossed in your conversation, so I'm gonna go in and try to plan a coup de tat. Have a nice chat.
God; Good luck!
Las: Did you just hear what she said? She's trying to take over heaven!
God: So? I'll just build a new one
Las: So why don't you build another Hell!?
God: … I am-
Las: Shut up!
Don: I think we're gonna head in too. This trip wore us out. But, before I do… can I get one… last… kiss?
Las: (sighs)… sure
Las: Still out loud…
Pog: (long pause)… I'll meet you inside (Lucia and Pogue exit. The harp plays again)
Don: Thank you. (the two embrace and kiss. While they're kissing, Donna stabs Las with a device. She then pulls away from the kiss) I got it! I got it! See ya inside, lover boy! (Donna exits, laughing maniacly. The harp once again plays)
Las: Jesus Christ!
God: Want me to get him?
Las: No! Please do-
God: Jesus! Get your butt out here young man! (enter Chester dressed in a flamboyant red outfit)
Las: …you've got to be kidding me…
God: I called for Jesus, not you Satin.
Las: He's the devil?…Well… he is annoying enough
Ches: Sorry to annoy you lord, but your sun can not be found
God; Dumb kid, probably drunk in the garden of Eden again… I never should have given him that water to wine ability.
Ches: Party hearty, that he does, Promiscuity, that he loves
Las: Oh God…
Las: Nothing (the harp plays, a bunch of people enter, walk by, enter heaven, the harp plays again, and then a siren goes off) What? What does that mean?
God: … it's full
Las: What is full?
Las: Are you serious?
Ches: Joking God? No he's not. All filled up, that is the stop!
Las: So, what now?
God: Um… I never thought that far ahead…
Las: But… but… where do I go now?!
God: … I am Alpha, I am Omega, I am the-
Las: If you're Omega, why don't you just kill yourself!
God: I'm God, I can't d-argh-guh (pain sounds)
Las: What? What's wrong?
Ches: His big hearts about to burst, heart attacks can be the worst.
Las: I thought he said he couldn't (thudding sound)… die
Ches: Guess the head honcho is gone… now its my turn to run it all!
Ches: Now that all these places are filled, I must big you a fond adieu.
Las: Bu- (Laslow falls through a trap door.)
(The sound of fire's burning and screams are heard as the scene is set up. Something like an apocalyptic street corner should be shown with dead bodies all around)
(Laslow is at the streets corner)
Las: (looks left) Pestilence… (looks right) … Death (looks left) …War (looks right) … and Death (looks forward) the apocalypse. I thought that I would have feared this, but now that I actually take a closer look at thing… not that much has changed. I'm still unhappy, everything else is weird, and worst of all, I don't know whether I'm dead or alive… of if I ever have been. I've lived my whole life unable to fit in… I've often wondered why. Is this world real? Is it all in my min? Is that why I can't die? (to audience) What about all of you? Yes, I've seen you watching me all along… perverts. Does that person next to you really exist? (long pause)
But… but… if the world is all my creation (fires die down) Then I can change it. If I see things differently… they will be different (lights start getting brighter) I… Now I see… it's all perspective… life is all a matter of perspective (people on ground start getting up) Haha! This is great! This is wonderful! (pause) This… this is life
Man: Are you ok?
Las: I'm… I'm really, really ok
Man: Um… OK… freak
Las: (long pause) She was right all along… there is no such thing as normal. Everyone is strange. I finally understand… there really is no such thing as normal. One person's normal is another persons strange. And you… you're the only one who can make any change (long pause. Out towards audience) I'm ready to wake up now… (light shines brighter and brighter as the curtain closes)