Act II Scene 4
Setting: A hospital room. Laying in bed, under a layer of covers and hooked up to several life support systems is Laslow. There is another patient in the room, but they are behind a curtain and can not be seen. Sitting by the bedside is a nurse checking his pulse. These is also a tall, slender looking doctor, he has short brown hair, big lens glasses, and a white overcoat on. He pretends to check Laslow's vital signs and then walks over to a chair in the room with Laslow's wardrobe from Act I scene 6 on it. He goes through the clothes and takes Laslow's wallet.
Doc: Well nurse, it seems to me the boy has no hope, no family, no friends… no reason to live to be blunt
Nurse: Are you saying we should pull the plug?
Doc: Merry me, no… I'm saying we should take out his organs, sew him up, and throw him into a tub of ice
Nurse: Of course doctor, should I prep the holding tanks?
Doc: Nurse Crotchet, I've got a wife, three kids, a mortgage, 2 boats, 3 condos, and 6 mistresses to support… you think I'm supplying these things to the hospital? Hahaha, don't be retarded, call Wung-Chi and tell him I've got a new shipment about to be ready.
Nurse: Yes doctor (starts to exit) Doctor, should I prepare the janitorial closet for the procedure?
Doc: Hmmm… better do in it the boiler room to be safe
Nurse: They're gassing the boiler room at the moment, doctor
Doc: So? We wear masks, and I don't believe our little friend will mind.
Nurse: Yes doctor (exits)
Doc: (To Las) If only you could talk, kid… if only you could talk… I'd be really screwed, thank God you're a comatose heap of rubbish, Haha! You know kid, I really don't know that much about medicine, in fact, I know less then the average house mom. For some reason though, that's more then enough qualification in this town. I mean, who would've thought a guy who flunked out of technical college for VCR repair could be a doctor, haha! For example, yesterday, I was trying to fix a kids broken leg, it was pretty funny actually, I managed to twist the kids leg around in a 360! You should've seen the look on his face, priceless. And the screaming, HA, I thought I'd bust a rib! Then a couple days ago, I was working on this guy who had been attacked by a grizzly… I poured salt and iodine all over his wounds telling him, get this, it was to stop infection, HAHAHAHAHA-
(enter Donna during the doctors laughing spell)
Don: Excuse me, is this the room of the unknown patient?
Doc: Hohohehe… haha ...no
Don: Who is that patient?
Doc: Um... Jon
Don: Jon who?
Doc: Jon... Doe
Don: (sarcastic) Jon Doe?... What were his parents thinking?
Doc: I don't know, there are a lot of strange people in this world. How exactly did you get in here?
Don: I walked through the door... would you mind if I scraped some genetic information from his body?
Doc: Well... it goes against hospital procedure... but why not, haha!
Don: Thank you! (goes over to body) hmmm... something about him looks familiar...
Doc: Just a hallucination... the lingering scent of death is known to cause that...
Don: Oh, I know... but something about him... I can't quite place it...
Doc: Perhaps you knew each other during another life
Don: I'm afraid this is my first life...
Doc: Oh, don't feel so bad, we all have to start somewhere
Don: I suppose... wait a minute... this is Laslow!
Doc: You... know this boy?
Don: Yes, he's an experiment of mine
Doc: (unenthused) Well... hmmm... what joy... viva life
Nurse: Doctor, the tub is ready
Doc: There has been a small change of plans nurse, it appears this man is not such a mystery after all... this
girl knows the boy.
Nurse: I see... is there anything else I may do to service you doctor?
Doc: Hmmm... fetch me the maximum dosage of morphine... I've got surgery later today
Nurse: Very well doctor (exits)
Don: Your a surgeon?
Doc: Well, 2 out of 10 times I don't touch the buzzer when playing Operation... what could be the difference?
Don: Will it be a complicated procedure?
Doc: Well, after the morphine is induced into the system, everything becomes a lot easier for me
Don: So you work better knowing the patient isn't feeling any pain?
Doc: The patient? No, they usually scream quite a bit, but the morphine makes it so I hardly even notice.
Don: Well, that's good... as long as you don't feel bad about it
Doc: My good lady, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to remember how I felt.
(enter Pogue w/ blood vials)
Pog: Donna, I got my supply's, we can get outta- (sees Laslow) hello! What happened to him?
Doc: He got shot... I think
Don: Shot? Where?
Doc: Well... its more of a theory... its my theory he was shot in the parking lot by rubber bullets the size of cannon balls, fracturing the vast majority of his body
Pog: What'd the scene look like when you showed up?
Don: Well, there was a flipped over car at the side of the road, a long trail of blood leading from its hood to your friend here, and some burnt tire marks... I believe the driver was the shooter.
Pog: Isn't it possible that he was hit by the car?
Doc: Hmmm, I suppose. I'm afraid the situation looks grim though, what with the pregnancy and all
Doc: Sadly though, from the X-rays I took, it seems the baby was killed when his heart attack struck.
Don: Heart attack, but I thought it was-
Doc: (beeper goes off) Oh damn (checks beeper) It seems I'm needed in the ER. Be sure to call me with the wedding arrangements, and God bless. (into his beeper) Beam me up Scotty (he stands in place)
Don: Doctor... even my collective does not have that technology... besides, I don't think your beeper would make a very good communicator.
Doc: Hmmm... must have drained the batteries when I took them out, these things are so heavy with batteries, and as you can see, I am no weightlifter.
Pog: Without the batteries, wouldn't-
Doc: Well, looks like I'm hoofing it, good day (exits)
Pog: I suppose it takes all types
Don: Yeah.... wow... he doesn't look very well
Pog: Yeah... think he'd mind if I sucked some blood?
Don: Probably... think he'd mind if I took some of his genetic information?
Pog: Probably... think we should contact his family?
Don: Probably... do you know their number?
Pog: No, but I could just as easily fly to their house
Don: Probably… no wait, no you can't!
Pog: Um… yes I can
Don: No ya can't
Pog: I can fl-
Don: Not you can't
Pog: …take a taxi
Don: God speed!
(Fade set)in with Prat, Lucia, and Dan on the set with Donna and Prat)
Prat: It should've been me... God oh God, why not take me instead?!
Dan: It's going to be ok Prat (pats on shoulder)
Prat: (throws arm off) No... no its not! I was so much more deserving of a coma... I know it, you know it, and Laslow knows it too (starts slapping Laslow) Wake up you show off! You... you... Ass!
Luc: Now, now mysterious stranger, leave 7B alone, if anyone is going to terminate him, its going to be me (she removes a long gun from her purse) I've waited for this moment for so long (she puts the gun to his head) Bye bye 7B (she fires the gun, somehow, Dan ends up being the one hit)
Dan: (clutching at wound) ...how?
Luc: Damn recoil... I knew I should've brought more then one bullet.
Dan: Doctor... please
Prat: Oh, you shut up!
Luc: Who in the world are you?
Prat: Oh, don't you start with me now, you know very well who I am!
Luc: ... Father?
Prat: NO! I'm your ex-husband!
Luc: What are you doing here?
Prat: You implanted that chip in me so I can never leave your side... remember?
Luc: Did I do that? I don't think I did...
Luc: It must've just been something I said in passing... you took me seriously?
Prat: Wait... you mean all this time, I've been able to leave your side? If I go outside of 10 miles of you, my innards, won't liquefy?
Luc: They might... I don't know what you had for lunch.
Prat: All these years of trying to kill myself... and I could have just walked out the door...
Luc: Well your not going anywhere now, your going to have to watch over 7B, I'm sure you have a lot to catch up on.
Prat: Not really, we've lived together for the last 16 years of his life.
Luc: I suppose your right... he probably won't accept you walking back into his life so suddenly...
Dan: He... hel... elp... help
Prat: Screw this, I'm leaving! (strangely, Prat exits through the window, screaming as he falls)(Donna rushes to the window)
Don: Are you alright?!
Prat: (from offstage) Yes… God Da…oh wait, I want to live now… praise the lord!
Pog: (examining curtain) Hello, hello, hello, whose behind here? (opens curtain, there is an old man, clutching at his heart)
Man: Oh… gawd… gre-arg-grr… my … eart!
Pog: Are you ok?
Man: (takes a bunch of pills) Oh boy… ya spooked me… (breaths heavily)
Pog: What's wrong with you?
Man: The `ol ticker ain't what she used to be… just a little shock can sometimes give me a fit
Pog: Is that so… ya know… I'm a vampire
Man: Aww… gar… mot… her… fu… fu… er (takes pills) aww, boy, ya gave me a shcok… don't be doin that, I can't take the-
Pog: Republicans are running the nation
Man: God… might… y… ar… pis… of… hit (takes pills) Boy, ya gots ta stop this
Pog: I'm really a woman actually
Man: Arg…. Cra… onkey (takes pills) for the love of Jiminey!
Pog: Actually, I didn't really love him, we just kind of had sex
Man: Argh!!!! (tries to take pills but the bottle is empty) Jesuz! Chris… mighty..
Pog: (closes the curtain) Well, that helped my boredom subside…
(Enter Doctor covered in blood with a rusty saw in his hand)
Doc: Well, there goes my certification
Doc: Oh, nothing, well, how our little friend doing?
Luc: The little shit is still comatose
Dan: Help… doc…
Doc: Well, lets have a look see (throws away the saw, its hits Dan)
Dan: Oh… god
Doc: (checks pulse) My God… he has… shit-it is!
Luc: (uninterested) Can it be cured?
Doc: Yes… but its very costly
Luc: Oh, in that case, just kill the little pissant
Doc: You're the boss! (he reaches for the plug)
Don: Wait a minute! You just made that up, didn't you?
Doc: Um… maybe, excuse me a moment (walks over to other patient. Opens curtain, Old man is clutching his heart frozen in place) My God! Nurse Crotchet! (she runs in) Prepare the tub immediately!
Nurse: Yes doctor! (she runs out) (Doc walks to Dan to get his saw)
Dan: Help… please
Doc: (looks at Dan and feels his forehead) no fever (takes out a small parchment) Have a clean bill of health
Dan: …crap (passes out as the nurse enters)
Nurse: The tub is ready doctor, but the only place I could find for the operation was the hallway
Doc: I suppose it'll have to do… (they begin to wheel the Man out) Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!
(They exit. After they exit, the Stage Manager and Chorus enters. The Stage Manager kneels down to Dan)
SM: Death is a funny thing… one of the only constants of life… any last words? (music starts)
When I die
Don: The Cord! (fade out. The only sound heard during the transition is a long beep)