Scene 2.1
Act II scene 1

Setting:  As the scene starts, it is set up much like Act I scene 6.  The chairs are all set up in rows except now there is no fake screen.  Instead, there is a podium at the front as well as several strange banners which look almost religious.  The seats should all be filled.  In the last seat of the last row are Laslow, Lucia, Prat, and Dan.  Laslow is on the end and turns out when he gives the following monologue.

Laslow:  Religion has always been a big part of my family, though we belong to no particular denomination.  Me personally, I'm agnostic, I never could find distinctive reasoning to have a feeling one way or the other.  The rest of my family however each have there own religious affiliation.  My father is a Methodist, my uncle is a Catholic, and my mother is Satan.  None the less though, we all make it a fact to go to church at least once a week.  Given our various backgrounds though, which church it is doesn't really matter.  We wake up early on a Saturday or Sunday, start driving and choose a church or synagogue at random.  This Sunday was no different, and so, here we are.  As far as I've figured, this is some sort of faith healer of some sort.  Faith healer of what religion is debatable though…

Tim:  (dressed as a priest of some sort)  …And thus, the earth was filled with pestilence and famine, and MTV became part of basic cable, causing the corruption of our vary souls.  And though the evil does exist, the blasphemy of Rock and Roll, has been replaced by the seven horsemen of the apocalypse, or as the holy T.V. guide would call it, the Real World.

Crowd:  (random shouts)Praise the lord!  Change the channel!  Are you gonna eat that?!  Do you validate parking!?

Tim:  (makes hushing sound)  And yet, there is still hope in the very pits our souls.  The very pits of our being, the very essence of humanity… and that hope is, the Rock!

Crowd:  Alleluia!  Layeth the Smaketh Down!  I have three legs!

Tim:  (Hushes again)  Our savior is not a wrestler though, praise the rock no!  Our savior is… THE rock!  (holds up a rock)

Laslow: (stands) WHAT THE HELL!  (two people next to him pull him down)(to mother) This is ludicrous!

Lucia:  I don't know, rocks do have many vital minerals.

Prat:  A rock falls on you, you die... remember that

Las:  Oh God...

Luc:  (correcting)  Oh rock (attention back to sermon)

Tim:  The rock has defied time, it was here before us, and shall be here till we are gone.  And I ask you, does the rock protect us?

All:  Yes!

Tim:  Does it listen to us?

All:  Yes!

Tim:  Does it hold open doors?

All:  Yes!

Tim:  Yes!

All:  Yes!

Tim:  Purple Aardvarks run into possums!

All:  Yes!

Las:  (stands) What?! (pulled down by parents)

Tim:  But the rock has wrath too, oh yes.  The rock has killed, and in the end, will kill us all

All:  Ye... wha?

Tim:  Um... Bless the rock!

All:  Yes!

Tim:  We shall now read from the book of Ingenious, chapter 9, paragraph 357-

Las:  What page?

Tim:  Sentence 3, word 9, syllable 2 (waits for congregation to find page.  He makes the sound) ...T (closes book) Thank you, we shall now hear from Sister Jade (enter Jade.  she has burns all over her body, several bruises, and her teeth are all missing)

Las:  Oh... she's alive... I don't know whether that makes me happy or sad...

Jade:  (trying to speak)  Mwapha mwiphg plib

Tim:  Alleluia!

Jade:  Hwapha fla mocka

Tim:  Praist the rock!

Jade:  Mwafa...

Tim:  (bows head for a moment then raises it)  Thank you sister, may the rock be with you and give you its blessing (the audience stone her)  Bless its protection!

Las:  I think you've killed her!

Tim:  She is simply resting my brother

Las:  ...shouldn't she be breathing then?

Tim:  A rock don't breath, and neither do we (agreeal from congregation)

Las:  But your breathing right now!

Tim:  No I'm not

Las:  Yes you are... through your mouth no less!

Tim:  Ok, I will show you the holiness that is the rockless breath (closes mouth, breaths very heavily through nose)

Las:  Your breathing through your nose!  (Tim shakes head no) Put your fingers under your nose (he does)  feel that?  That's breathing!

Tim:  No its not, that's... that's... the evil escaping my body!

All:  Alleluia!  The evil retreats!  I like Pauly Shore Movies!  Where's my dog?!

Tim:  Child, you are obviously confused and need... the rocks healing!

Prat:  (stands)  I have seen the light!  Me first father!  Give me the healing!  Heal me with the rocks!

Dan:  (stands and pushed down Prat)  Are you insan-

Tim:  Feel the healing! (the congregation stones Dan)

Dan:  Mother of God!  (collapses)

Luc:  (correcting) Mother of rock

Las:  This is insane!... your... your all insane!

Tim:  Blasphemer!  You are possessed with the evil!

Las:  What evil?!  A pebble?  Or perhaps a boulder?

Tim:  Those are good things lad, but you... you are possessed with the witchcraft... the craft of... Paleontology!

All:  (shocked)  Scientist!  Heathen!  Canadian!  Poodle!

Las:  The study of rocks?  You find that evil?

Tim:  Shut your infernal mouth demon!  The science is strong in you I can see!  Brothers, fetch the holy rock (2 monks enter with a long stretcher.  On the stretcher is a very large boulder.  They lower the stretcher and bring the rock over to Tim)  We will!  (pause)  We will! (pause) ... ROCK YOU

Las:  Wait a minute... truth be told, they did used to stone witches, however, if rocks are what you see as the holiest form of being, wouldn't putting that rock on me in reality be a blessing to my "evil" scientific mind and body?

Tim:  Um... well... CRUSH HIM!  (the two monks lift the rock above Laslow's head.  Meanwhile, Dan stumbles to his feet and bumps into the two monks.  They drop the rock on Dan)

Las:  Would you mind not killing my uncle?


Tim:  I see the science is strong in this one, that being so, fetch the holy rock of confusion.  (One of the monks reaches into his robe and takes out a rock.  He then very weakly throws it at Laslow.  He should hit him in the head)

Las:  Oww... that stung...

Tim:  Seems are most advanced techniques are of no use...

Las:  That's it, forget it... FORGET IT!  I don't care!  I don't care, anymore!  Not about your cults!  Or your songs!  Or your general damn absurdity!  I don't care about anything anymore!

(insert song)
"No cares" by Eric Viets
(end of song)

(Laslow exits.  Once he exits all characters go limp and lifeless.  The entire stage should go to dark and dull colors.  The lights slowly fade out on the scene)

(Fade out)