Setting: There are several rows of seats set-up. In the first row, there should be freakisly tall people. The seats are at a sideways angel so all the characters can be seen. In the back row should be Pogue, Laslow, Donna, and Jade. The rest of the theatre is filled with other strange people. There is a boy and girl in one dark corner, one guy should look like a witch doctor, another 5 should look like they're from the Thriller music video. One row should remain empty, the chorus will later fill it. At the front of the theatre is Tim, dressed like the theatres manager.
Tim: Ladies and Gentlemen. I'm sorry to bother you, but before the start of our feature-
Las: What movie is this?
Tim: -we are making a small collection for the Dalmer's Kids Fund. Every year, thousands of children go homeless and hungry, and have a rather unpleasant life. Thanks to the Dalmer Kid's fund, however, we are able to feed 100's of children a year… to cannibals. Please give generously.
Las: What? (stands) Did he just sa-
Pog: Don't tell me you've got something against charities
Las: I've got nothing against charity's… Canibals on the other hand-
Jade: Gotta eat
Don: Sit down, your creating a scene
Las: (sits) argh…
Tim: Sorry to bother you again, but were also collecting for the Goti International Bloodbank. If you'd kindly rest your arms on the arm rest, an NRN will be around shortly to inject you. Once again, thank you, and enjoy the show!
Pog: Hey, don't worry about it, its simply a foundation formed so that mobsters who are shot and beaten have a continious source of blood. Plus, hell, ya get a cookie outta the deal too.
Las: And you find nothing wrong with that fact your supplying blood to felons?
Don: Jeese Laslow, don't be so hearless. If a wiseguy saw you dieing of dihydration in the desert, he'd-
Las: make me an offer I couldn't refuse, I know. Something seems very wrong about this tho-(Donna kisses him)
Pog: Score! (Laslow breaks from kiss)
Las: Your still talking out loud…
Pog: (awkward pause) I want a cookie…
Jade: I'll give you a cookie, hehe
Pog: Give it to me baby (goes in for her neck. She takes out a cookie and places it right in front of him)
Jade: There ya go!
Pog: …thanks…(a nurse shows up and jabs a needle into Laslow's leg)
Las: Argh! What the hell are you do-(she stuffs a cookie in his mouth. The nurse continues down the aile stabbing everyone she passes, they don't react at all. He takes the cookie out of his mouth) Hey, that hurt… and I don't even think you hit a vein!
Don: I thought I told you to calm down Laslow
Las: But she stabbed me!
Don: So? What are you gonna do about it now?
Las: Go get a shot by a real nurse, I think that was a rusty needle
Don: (Gets up and sits on Laslow's lap) Your not going anywhere. (she passionatly kisses him and intimetally hugs him)
Las: Well, that which does not kill me…
Don: Hush hun, you talk too much.
Pog: (to Jade) So, ya wanna?
Jade: Go to the lobby, and get ourselves some snacks! (she rushes out, pulling Pogue after her)
Pogue and Jade are surrounded by snack food. Laslow and Donna are in separate chairs again, but holding hands. The witch docter is making a lot of smoke towards the theatres front.
Las: That guy is really obnoxious…
Don: Don't worry about it…
Las: I can't see the screen though… and I'm still trying to figure out what movie this is…
Pog: Your not missing much
Las: I really can't stand this… I'm gonna go talk to him (stands)
Don: Please don't, just sit down
Las: Donna, take your own advice, and calm down, I'll be right back (Walks to witch doctor) Excuse me, sir?
Doc: (thick Jamacin accent) Ja?
Las: Um, would you mind putting the, err, smoke out?
Doc: Oooo, Ja be insultin my pride now!
Las: No! Not at all! It's just-
Doc: Oooo, I be sicken da dead on ya naw! (hops onto seat) OHHHHH! (the base line to Bad starts playing. The zombies walks over to the Doctor) You mess with me… put a spell on you… insult me… and I'll kill you… gonna shrink your head… cut off your toes… to the land of the dead… is where ya gonna go. Ya get get up in my facea, I'm gonna cast a spell! Gonna sacrificea a goata, and make your life pure hell! Because I'm mad!
Zombies: He's mad!
Doc: I'm really ____ing mad! Whose Mad?! Ohhhh!
Zombies: Mad, he's really really Mad
Doc: Whose mad? (music stops, Doc and Zombies freeze)
Las:… or keep on doing what your doing… bye now
Doc; Be seein ya in da land of da dreams.
Las: (runs back to seat) … You did see… the zom… oh nevermind…
Don: (facing Laslow) So… how'd it go? (Laslow bangs head on front of next seat)
The Doc and zombies are gone. Pogue and Jade are necking, Donna is off stage, and Laslow is trying to watch the movie. In the corner of the theatre, the couple should be virtually unable to see.
Female: (straining) Jesus Christ! I can't get the wrapper off, its just too tight
Male: Hold it down farther, yeah, there ya go
Fem: I still can't get it off, am I doing this right?
Male: Your doin fine, trust me, everyone has trouble their first time… No, no, don't twist it that way! There ya go, now stick it in your mouth and roll that puppy. C'mon, you gotta manuever it with the stick to get the most satisfaction.
Fem: Ummmm, this is kinda sour….
Male: Keep it in there, it'll grow on you
Male: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't bite it! You'll waste it! Now suck! Suck for all your worth! Do you taste the juice? Isn't it as good as I told you it would be?
Fem: Am I supposed to swallow this thing?
Male: Nah, just suck on it… it takes a while… Oh God… I gotta pee. Just keep goin at it, I gotta whiz.
Fem: Hey… it tastes different now, is it supposed too?
Male: Yeah, that means your about to finish it off… (Laslow walks over)
Las: You guys as disgu-
Male: Oh, hey Laslow
Fem: Want a blow pop?
Las: I want you too… yes acutally… thanks (walks away) Ok, this time it was just my imag-
Male: Aight, now I'm gonna unzip my pants and give you something else to suck on… (Laslow freezes)
Fem: Oh good, I have experience on those!
Las: Just my imagination, just my imagaination…
Male: Ahh YEAH! Way to suck on my big sloppy pen-
Las: Cil! Pencil! Pencil! Pencil! (runs to seat. To Pogue) How long is this mo… um, is she alright?
Pog: … I don't think so
Las: What happened?
Pog: I suck too much… I think she's dead…
Las: Maybe she's just sleeping… it is a boring movie… I think
Pog: Can't take that chance… I'm gonna go light her body on fire, remove her teeth, and throw her into Evidance Canyon.
Las: Don't you think they might check there? Anyway, I think she's waking up (Jade moves and murmurs)
Pog: While turning, whacks her) Huh? Don't play with me like that… now promise me… we take this to our graves.
Las: No, I promise to take this to the cops
Pog: I'll take that as a yes… met me at the canyon later tonight… as for me, I've gotta date with a blow torch…
Las: I really think she's alive
Pog: (pause) Godspeed (leaves, carrying Jade over his shoulder)
Las: I know… I kno I should stop him… I also know they're both a plague on society… I also know this is a horrible movie, whatever it is. (enter chorus, they sin in front of Laslow) Not now… please just give me a break. Even if it is only one night, give me tonight. If it is for only one hour, give me this hour. Just give me a moments peace… please? ( a loud explosion is heard offstage. Laslow's cell phone rings which he slowly answers) Yes?… you blew up the garage?… You want me to bring a gun home?… No, I don't have one… no I can't pick one up from Kaizer Sojue… uh-huh, yeah, damn God, gotcha (hangs up)… yeah, you can sing now… (nothing)… thanks
Chorus: (in unison) Your welcome (Enter Donna with a large painfull looking device)
Las: (squirming in seat) What the hell is that?
Don: What is what? ( a drill revs on the device)
Las: That, that, thing! (points)
Don: This? Oh, its just a smaple collector
Las: Samples of what?
Don: Try to relax and I'll show you
Las: No, that's perfectly alright
Don: C'mon, be a sport
Las: Um, no
Don: Don't make me take the sample by force
Don: Now sit down and shut up, hun
Las: No! Forget you!… You've been using me just to get this "sample"
Don: Don't think of it like that… now are you going to cooperate or not?
Don: Very well (the two tustle, end up rolling on the ground, in the end, Laslow slaps Donna, everyone in the theatre gasps, Laslow rushes out)
(Fade in on Line set)
Las: Argh! What the hell am I dong? What made me do that? What the hell is wrong with me? (long pause) What the hell is wrong with them?! Vampires, Aliens, Vodoo priests… ____ that!… _____ That! ____ That! ____ this Town! And ____ (enter Donna)… you… _____ you… you… you used me… You, you psychotic alien bitch! What the hell is wrong with you?1
Don: Me? Nothing… what's wrong with you?
Las; Don't flip this one on me! You're the weird one, not me!
Las: Yeah, you! And Pogue, and the cops, the mayor, my boss, Chestor, and my parents… your all ____ing weird.
Donna: Laslow, get over yourself! Your not as perfect as you believe yourself to be!
Laslow: I don't think I'm perfect, I think everyone else is weird
Donna: And you think that they think your normal? (Laslow is taken aback) That's right Laslow, your not as normal as you thought you were, in fact, your probabally the weirdest person in this town, the world actually. Do you know why that is?
Laslow: Why Donna, oh please tell me, I'm dying to hear this one.
Donna: (slaps Laslow) Don't be an ass. Anyway, you hold the assumption that you have the only view on what is weird and normal in the world. Well, ya know what? Yours is not the only opinion in the world! You think Pogue is weird because he thinks he's a vampire? Well guess what, Pogue thinks your weird for what you are! Chester thinks your weird! Ash thinks your weird! Everyone you think is weird, thinks that your weird. Get over yourself! (starts to walk away but stops half way across stage)
I liked you Laslow, I thought... I think you're cute. In fact, I think the collective would value greatly from your genetic coding and attributes, however, you first need to accept the fact that your not as normal as you believe yourself to be... once you do that, call me. Bye Laslow (walks away)
(Laslow starts to chase after Donna but stops half way. Laslow should be trying to fight off crying. From the back of the stage, the chorus should start entering, singing Last Kiss. As soon as Laslow hears them, he should slowly raise his head in disgust facing them.)
Laslow: ...Not now.
(The chorus quickly begins to exit singing a some mean spirited song)
Laslow: (paces, thinking. Stops center stage) `eh (shrugs shoulders)
End of Act 1