Setting: A line next to a wall. The line is not moving at all. Center of the line is Laslow, Prat, and Dan. Everyone else in the line should look exactly the same. A man should enter from the back of the line in a trench coat. He should be doing weird hand gestures and everyone should make it known that he smells. He should cut in right in front of Laslow.
Las: (Sniffs) Oh God, what is that smell?
Tim: Hehehe, pardon me
Las: Do you not shower or is that glandular?
Tim: A little of both, hehe
Las: Wait a minute… don't I know you?
Tim: Are you a "Stoner?"
Las: Fraid not
Tim: Then no
Las: Wait, aren't you my boss?
Tim: Excuse me?
Las: I mean, the mayor
Tim: You high or something?
Las: Of course not!
Tim: Damn… I really need a fix
Las: On that note, would you mind not cutting me and going to the end of the line… please?
Tim: (sudden mood swing) GOD! Give me a break! (takes out a pack of cigarettes. He cuts of the packs bottom and smokes the entire pack at once and then punches a wall) Now leave me alone!
Las: Um… sorry
Tim: (Suddenly pleasant) That's ok man, were tight (extends his hand)
Las: (staring at hand) Thanks, but no
Tim: Alright man, I'm gonna go pick a fight, I'll call you later (hands Las a pack of cigs from coat) Thank man, you're my best friend (leaves)
Las: (Pause. Stunned) I really wish those two would show up…
Prat: (seeing the cigs in Laslow's hand) Laslow! Give me those!
Las: I was just gonna go throw them out
Prat: Son, son, son… don't be retarded (takes pack, puts cig in his mouth and lights it) Cigarettes cause cancer. Cancer causes death. Death is a release from all things. Remember that!
Las: But Dad, you don't smoke
Prat: That was until I found they could kill you
Las: Yeah, slowly and painful, making your last days filled with unending agony.
Prat: (pause) And how is that any different from now?
Dan: (stars hacking and coughing uncontrollably. Towards the end of his coughing spree he should cough up something resembling a piece of lung) Oh god…
Prat: Damn it Dan! Stop showing off!
Dan: I'm not showing off… in fact, I think I'm dying…
Prat: Go ahead and rub it in… ass! (Enter officer Gary, a dirty harry clone)
Gary: Hey there Kemosabe. Maybe you should think twice about sending smoke signals to the tribe cause all you've got coming to you is a trail of tears.
Prat: (pause) Huh?
Gary: Slow it down there Carl Lewis! My brain runs on 6 cylinders like everyone else, so don't try to get by me with your lightning fast wit!
Prat: Can I help you somehow? (Gary pulls gun from holster and with a shaking hand points it at Prat)
Gary: Just keep on pushing it there, Rick James! Keep on taunting my Superfreak and your gonna be on the ground quicker then a fly on a turd. So I gotta ask you, do I feel lucky?
Prat: I don't know, do you?
Gary: Hope that your names Stone Cold, cause that's what your corpse is about to become! (pulls back hammer)
Dan: Why are you both-(Gary shoots Dan) ARGH!!!!!
Gary: (puts gun back in holster) You just remember that before you light up in a public place again. Think of that as your warning. (starts to leave, gets to stage side and takes out his club) Ohhh, someone's cuttin in line (exits)
Dan: Prat… plea… please… put out… the cig..g..garette
Prat: You know what? I've had it up to here with your one upping me. I'm going down to the river to drown myself, find your own damn ride home! (exits)
Dan: Could you at least call me an ambulance?
Prat: (from offstage) Stop Bragging! Ass!
Dan: (looks at hand and sees blood) Little help? Please?
Las: Someone help! Is there a doctor here?! (One of the people walks out from the line and examines Dan) Thank God. Doctor, can you help him?
Man: Bloody, bleeding, hurting bad, this conditions seems quite sad.
Las: (pause) You sound familiar…
Man: What is that? Please repeat. Who do I remind of me?
Man: Come on, guess, give it a try. How could it hurt for a single try?
Las: Well… you sound like this flamming Chester kid from my science class. ( the man takes off all his concealing clothing and it is, in fact, Chester)
Ches: Right you are, but flamming I'm not, I am straight, I adore the butt!
Las: I'm not even gonna argue with you on that one
Ches: Very good, lets start the test, Do you sleep within a dress?
Las: Um, no, but my unc-
Ches: Right you are! Yes your right! Unlike me, you sleep just right!
Las: Um, yeah, whatever, but can you help hi-
Ches: Question two, here we go, will you drop your pants for show?
Las: Of course not! But my uncle, can you help him?
Ches: Right again! But help, I can't, medicine is not my friend.
Las: (leans down to Dan) How're you holding up?
Dan: God… I should've been shot in the war… with glory… not in line… for Full Metal Jacket…
Las: Actually, your in the line for Rugrats in Paris (Dan screams in pain)
Dan: Argh! No! (Dan slowly pulls drags himself offstage)
Las: Um, see you at home… I hope
Ches; Here we go with question thr-
Las: On no we don't
Ches: Would you, could you, in a ford. With your parents asleep in doors?
Las: Ok, now your just getting ludicrous
Ches: Answer, answer, answer please! Or else I'll beg you on my knees.
Las: If there is anything I don't wanna see, its you on your knees.
Ches: If you say that that is true (enter Pogue, Donna, and Jade. Chester notices their entrance, Laslow doesn't)… answer my intercourse question dude!
Las: Dude? Whatever. Well, I guess I would, if they were asleep and I really liked the person… so yeah, I guess.
Ches: (Donna is noticablly intrigued) Answered me these questions three, now I give my leave of thee. (skips to side of stage)Oh hurray, happy day for me, Runaway Bride in theatre three! (skips off stage)
Las: (to self) Yeah… now would be just about time to leave (turns to leave and literally runs into Donna) Off! Oh, sorry… I didn't see you th-
Don: Don't worry about it… I'm happy you showed up.
Las: I'm not much for turning people down. I think this should be a pretty good chance for us to get to know eachother…
Don: More… intimetally
Las: Um… right!
Las: …You are aware you said that out-loud, right?
Pog: (awkward silence) This is Jade, my mistress of the night, mwa ha ha.
Jade: (hyper) Pleased ta meetcha!
Las: Charmed… I'm sure… Anyway, what exactally are we going to see, there's The Grinch-
Don: What planet are you from-
Pog: Dracula 2000
Jade: Debbie Does Dallas (all stare at Jade. She doesn't feel awkward at all) So… Debbie Does Dallas?
Las: Any other suggestions?
Don: They've got the Rocky Horror Picture Show on every other screen
Pog: (serious) What a wide selection
Jade: Don't dream it… be it (the people in the line start taking off they're outfits revealing they're the chorus).
Chorus: (hushed) Don't dream it… be-e it… (repeated in background)
Las: (shocked as usual) Okay, this time you have to be able to see the-
Pog: Hey, look, the lines died down. Let's go!
Las: But the singers, they're…
Don: (Grabs Laslow's hand, and pulls him towards exit) Make haste, hon!
Las: But, the singers (Pogue pushes him from behind)
Pog: Hurry, or we're gonna miss the movie!
Las: Which movie?!
Don: Stop being difficult! (Donna, Laslow, and Pogue exit. Chorus follows shortly after)
Jade: (serious) I'm not particularly fond of being a mistress of the dark. I just thought Pogue was kinda cute... at first. None the less, he quickly started going on and on about his morbid fascinations with the occult and Mordavian customs. It was kind of a turn-on at first, but then I learned of his necking fetish… and his biting fetish… and his jumping off the roof cause he thinks he can fly like a bat fetish, but that ones another story all together. I mean, he's a great guy and all, but its getting hard to hid all the hickeys.
That said, I am somewhat pentative about going in… dark areas… sticky floors… twizzlers, and the other things that make mouths happy, if ya know what I mean. I like him though… it just… its one of those relationships where you know it won't last the test of time and in the long run, one of you is going to end up getting hurt. It's just, we've been through so much together that I don't think I could leave him… even if I wanted too. (takes a rock from her pocket)
Well, I'm sorry to bother you rock, thank you for giving me a sympathetic ear (starts to put it back) Oh (takes it back out) Thanks for your never-ending protection too. (kisses the rock and puts it back)
Hey guys! Wait up! (rushes off stage)