Setting: The house. Laslow is standing in the house's foreground, as if he weren't part of the scene.
Laslow: A couple days ago, my Uncle Dan came for a visit. Apparently he's been finally discharged from the arm forces after receiving his fifty third Purple Heart. My Uncle Dan has always been a bit of an eccentric, I guess you could say. Anytime he hurts himself, he always shots some sort of random ramble about how he wished whatever happened had happened in war. (Dan enters)
I don't know who in my family Dan is the brother of, but none the less, my parents both embrace him as a relative. I hope this doesn't mean that my parents are related. I'd ask them about it, but the last time I asked my Dad about our family tree, he tried to hang himself before I could get an answer. That was failed attempt number 1342 on his part for the record. (Lucia enters from the basement door with a cloud of smoke following behind her and with he arm on fire. She doesn't seem at all phased by the fire or the smoke. As soon as she sees Dan she goes over to hug him, lighting him on fire in the process. The two run to the kitchen)
Uncle Dan has always had something of an unlucky streak. For that reason, I've always thought that he was related to my dad. Unlike my Dad though, Dan has never wanted to die, but comes uncomfortably close to doing it every day.
Unto other matters however, I met the most amazing girl in school the other day. Her name was Donna. She was tall, skinny, intelligent, attractive, and most important of all, she was normal…or so I thought. I love everything about her, except, she thinks that she's an alien, not that there's anything wrong with that… well actually, there is, its freaking me out. Not just her, but this entire town. I have yet to meet one sane down to earth person. (Prat enters from the stairwell)
(He has a noose around his neck. He walks to the basement door and ties the other end of the rope to the doorknob. He slams the door as hard as possible, trying to break his neck).
Las: No luck?
Prat: No luck… God Damn It! (walks into the kitchen) (the phone rings and Laslow answers it. In the corner of the stage, a light comes up on Pogue on the phone)
Pog: Hello, may I please speak to Laslow?
Las: (recognizing voice) Sure thing, one minute please (hangs up phone) Damn those horrid phone connections. (Phone rings again, Las. Slowly answers it) He-(on the other corner of the stage, a light comes up on Chester on the phone)
Ches: Here we go with question 3, why do birds fl-(Las slams down phone)
Las: This is getting beyond annoying. (unhooks phone cord. As he does this a siren goes off. Men dressed as government agents rush in, one whacks Laslow on the head knocking him out, two of the agents carry him out as the third one surveys the room. He eventually plugs in the phone. As agent 3 is leaving, the phone rings. Agent 3 answers it)
Pog: Hello, is Laslow their?
Agent: Ve is off du veprograming.
Pog: Oh, ok. (cheerily) Have good beating!
Agent: Da (hangs up phone and leaves)
(Enter Dan, head wrapped in gauze, Prat, and Lucia. They all sit on the coach, Lucia in the middle facing Dan)
Luc: Well, isn't this nice, we can finally have a good old fashioned one-on-one, big brother.
Dan: I'm not your brother
Luc: Sure you are, now tell me, what have you been up too?
Dan: 3 shots of morphine… a 20 bag… and various other pain killers and hallucinogens
Prat: I believe she meant on a professional level.
Luc: (startled, faces Prat) Who the devil are you?!
Prat: Your ex-husband… Prat… his brother
Dan: I'm not your brother
Luc: That's right (turns to Dan) you're my brother
Dan: No I'm not
Luc: Sure you are, anyway, as for what I'm doing-
Dan: I don't want to know-
Luc: Sure you do. I'm working on a campaign to slowly take over the Banana Republic through a series of coup de tats. I should have control of that island region by next week I believe.
Prat: Isn't the Banana Republic a chain of stor-
Luc: (turns to Prat) Ahhh! Who the hell are you?
Dan: Prat… your ex-husband
Luc: No, your Dan, my brother
Dan: Yes, I am Dan, no, I am not your brother, I'm your-
Prat: It's easier to not question her…
Luc: Yes, it is, thank you mysterious stranger.
Prat: Uh-huh (takes out a concealed knife and prepares to slit his wrist)
Dan: Excuse me, Prat? What are you doing?
Prat: Trying to end the living hell that is life.
Dan: Well, um, don't! (Takes knife from Prat) These things are dangerous (points knife towards Prat. It slips from his hand on falls to the floor) Argh! My foot!
Luc: Oh, goody, time to amputate. I do so need some fresh body parts.
Dan: I should have lost them with glory… back in the war… not here in a family parlor, argh!
Prat: (snort)… show off
Dan: Argh! (Lucia takes out a scalpel and dives under the table. Dan takes out a hypodermic and shoots up) (sigh) ahhhh…
Luc: (pops up with a zip lock back) All done.
Prat: That's disgusting!
Luc: What the hell are you doing here?
Prat: I give up! (runs out of house)
Dan: Wait for me! (stars to limp after him)
Luc: But… we were just talking…
Dan: I'd like to live till morning, and if I go with him, I think my chances are drastically improved. I'll see you later mother.
Luc: I'm your sister!
Dan: You're my mother! Bill is my father!… speaking of which, where is dad?
Luc: (pause)… better hurry if your going to catch him (Dan sighs, limps off stage)(Lucia takes out her hand recorder) Things to do… shred birth certificates, hide Bill's head, rent Bridges of Madison county, and finish hydro-nuclear A-Bomb…(enter stage manager)
Stage Manager: Thank ye kindly Mrs. Webb… I mean Poke. (Lucia leaves) If I may, I'd like to take this time too call Professor Plunombris. (enter Plunombris) Professor Plunombris, if you would be ever so kind, could ya tell all these fine folks about the towns geography? (Plunombris smiles, nods, bows and prepares to talk)
Plunombris: Ahem… no
SM: Thank you Professor. (Plunombris smiles, nods, bows, and leaves)(Laslow enters badly beaten from the door way, giving a weird glance to Plunombris as he leaves. His eyes lock on the Stage Manager)
Las: Who the hell are you?
SM: (Doesn't notice Laslow) And then Pogue entered from the stairwell (Pogue enters as said)
Pog: Laslow, my man, I've been looking for you, where have you been?
Las: Getting beaten… who is he and how'd you get into my house?
Pog: I flew in through the window
Las: (pause) No you didn't
Pog: Yes I-
Las: No ya didn't
Pog: …shimmied up the gutter pipe.
Las: There ya go. And on to my second question, who is he?
Pog: (looks around) …who?
Las: Him (points)
Pog: Man… your coach is not a person…
Las: Not the coach, the man by the coach!
Pog: They must've hit you harder then I thought (Puts hand to one of Laslow's bruises) Anyway… what are you doing tomorrow night?
Las: At this rate, taking up my Dad's hobby.
Pog: Well scratch that for another night, your coming with me and Donna to the movies.
Las: Why would I want to do that?!
Pog: See ya tomorrow!
Las: But what movie? And where? (Pog stands, frozen in place) Hello?
SM: And then Laslow left through the window he'd entered through (exit Pogue by stairway)
Las: Who ARE you?!
SM: Well, there's my sermon, twasn't long. (exits)
Las: (long pause) (screams) What the hell is going on?! (Waits for answer) You people show up when I don't need you, but disappear during my breakdowns! Come out here… NOW! (Enter entire cast. They line up on the front of the stage) How did you all here me? And how did you all get to my house so damn quickly? Is there some sort of explin- (Seasons of love rift starts to play on piano) Where the hell is that piano?
All: 3,025,600 seconds, 3,025,6-
Las: Stop! STOP! (everyone goes quiet) I just want some answers… some down to earth simple answers… something real, something normal. Something that (cast starts humming the song) (Laslow pauses, clenches his fist) OK! Ya know what?! Leave! Just get out! (all leave except for Donna)(Laslow turns his back to her) …I said leave.
Donna: Laslow… just calm down for a minute. I want you to try and relax.
Las: Relax?! How?! Nothing makes sense… nothing.
Don: And if it did, would it change anything?
Las: I hope so!
Don: Laslow… I want you to close your eyes.
Don: Close your eyes (Laslow wearily sighs then closes his eyes)
Las: O.K., now what? (Donna kisses him)
Don: Just try giving us a chance, you might be in for a few pleasant surprises. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go take your plasma from my mouth and insert it into the collective (walks to door) See you tomorrow (exits)
Las: (slowly opens eyes. Stares out at audience, dumbfounded) Was that a dream… or… maybe… well… hmmm… I guess everything doesn't need an explanation!