Laslow: I got a job. I didn't want too, but I had too. Sadly, the only place highering was Mega-Ultra-Special-K-Mart. So here I am, 6 hours a day 4 days a week, making 6.15 an hour and contemplating the miseries of my life. On the plus side though, I get 2.5% off all my lawn-mowing purchases. (Fade-in on register)(Coming to the register is a gruff looking customer with a long beard, jeans, and a flannel. In his cart are a shotgun, ammo, chloroform, a shovel, and a bag of dirt).(Laslow slowly rings the order through) So… going hunting?
Customer 1: (grunts) nope
Laslow: Planning on doing some landscaping?
Customer 1: (Grunts) nope
Laslow: Um… are you making a collage?
Cus 1: (Grunts) nope
(enter second customer. He is tall and skinny, also wearing jeans and a flannel)
Customer 2: Hey Bob (pats Customer 1 on the back) How ya doin? Wife still given ya hell?
Cus 1: …yep
Cus 2: I hear you two are goin campin this weekend. Up at Ledgemore Creek, eh?
Cus 2: I don't know why ya keep goin up there Bob. Hell, I woulda thought after your son mysteriously died there… and your mother disappeared… and your dog was found run over 30 times… and your parole officer found at the bottom of that cliff… well, you know the list.
Las: (scared to interrupt) Um… paper or plastic?
Cus: …Plastic… lots of it. (Laslow carefully and nervously pack the order)
Cus 2: Oh yeah, for I forget, do ya still need to borrow my wood chipper?
Cus 2: Alrighty, I'll throw it in the backa your truck later tonight. (looks at watch) Well dang, I gots ta get back home to the misses, though she's gonna be plum ticked about this place bein outta bacon grease, take it easy Bill.
Cus 1: …yep (customer 2 leaves)
Las: Um… 297.35 sir(Cus 1 takes out a roll of money and jabs it at Laslow) Thanks (Puts money in register and gives back change)(As customer is leaving, 3 men dressed up as agents rush in and throw the man to the ground, trying to subdue him).
Agent: Don't fight us Mr. Jackson, there is no need resisting. Did you really think you could evade us forever?
Agent: (smacks him in the head) Don't be a wise guy!
Las: Thank God you caught him, he was gonna kill his wife… how'd you guys know?
Agent: Murder? Well, that has nothing to do with us.
Las: What? Then why are you taking him away?
Agent: He cheated on his taxes. (smacks customer) maybe this'll teach ya ta fill out a 10-40! (Agents and customer leave, Laslow looks on, shocked, and slowly returns to his register).
(Enter Customer 3. It is a young girl who is missing all her fingers on one hand. In her cart are 3 chainsaws, a book on how to juggle, and various medical supplies).
Las: (holds up the book for audience to see and then looks at the chainsaws) Ever consider stamp collecting?
Cus: No… why?
Las: I don't know, it might be a tad safer.
Cus: Then what?
Las: Um… juggling chain saws
Cus: …Do I look stupid to you? I'm down 5 fingers as is, I'm not to fond of the idea of losing 3 more-
Las: 3 more?
Cus: Shut up! The books for my Dad, the saws for my uncle, and, yes, the gauze is for me.
Cus: You should be! (Pays and starts to exit. At door he shouts out) Hey Ralph! Catch! (Throws the saws out the door and we hear a scream. Customer exits).
Las: (talking into intercom) Break! I need a break!
(2 more customers enter. They are clones of Raymond and his brother from Rainman. The brother character drops 3 pencils)
Bob: Raymond, 237 what?
Ray: Times I've looked at the cashiers crouch, 237, definitely 237.
Bob: Raymond! In Unison Laslow: Break!
Ray: 5 minutes, 5 minutes till Spice Channel, 5 minutes to spice
Las: Oh God…
Bob: Ray, please stop, the cashiers gonna go into conniptions
Ray: …2 inches
Bob: Ray, No!
Ray: The divider, the divider is two inches (Bob lets out a sigh of relief) so is your-(Bob clamps his hand over Ray's mouth)
Las: The pencils… come to… I'll pay for them, just leave.
Bob: Thanks, sorry about all this. (Ray bites Bob's hand) argh!
Ray: (limps to doorway as chased by Bob) 3 minutes, 3 minutes till Debby does Dallas, 3 mi-(Bob clamps his hand on Ray's mouth as they both leave).
(Enter Pogue with a cart filled with blood vials and transfusion devices)
Pogue: How goes it my man?
Las: …it goes (Pogue extends his hand to shake, which Laslow regretfully accepts. The two pull into each other to hug in which Pogue tries to bite Laslow's neck. Laslow quickly pushed Pogue away)
Pog: So-o… someone's been asking about you.
Pog: Don't you wanna know who?
Las: Not really
Pog: Oh in that case… it's Donna
Las: Is she talking about probing me?
Pog: HAHA, No! She thinks your "interesting." She wants to get to know you better.
Las: Yeah, well I find aliens scary, so drop it. 38.95
Pog: Yeah, yeah, well, think about it. Alien or not, I'd love to board her mothership.
Las: Board her mothership?
Pog: Oh yeah, ya know, go boldly where no man has gone before? I mean, hell man, she's a star trek I'd take, if ya know what I mean.
Las: Are you still talking?
Las: Damn, for a moment I thought there was a God…
Las: (Reaches below register and grabs a cross. Pog reacts in fear running off stage) Remember, shop smart, shop Mega-Ultra-Special-K-Mart. (Tim pops up from behind the register dressed as a sales associate)
Tim: So, you want your break now?
Las: Aren't you the mayor?
Las: Nevermind, yeah, I do
Tim: Well… I could give you your break, or I could tell you that there's a list for people to go on breaks and that your next on it. By doing this I can ignore you for the rest of the night and keep you at your register, stating the person before you has yet to return… hmmm, this is a hard choice.
Las: Can I please go on break?
Tim: Your next on the list (Tim crouches back under the register)
(Enter Prat with a cart filled with various suicidal implements)
Las: Still trying?
Prat: Still trying. I think this stuff should cover all the basics.
Las: Ok then… how exactly do you plan to pay for all this?
Prat: (pause and stares blankly) God Damn IT! (clutches heart) Ack! Heart… attack… life flashing before eyes… dying… sweet (falls to ground) (paramedics rush in and recesitate him).
Medic: Thanks goodness we were picking up supplies, sir, are you alright?
Prat: (mockingly) Sir, are you alright? (screaming) Yes! Ass! (Prat storms out)
Medic: Was it something I said? (Laslow shrugs shoulders) (Medics exit)
(Laslow rests his head on the register. From around the register the chorus pops up and start singing "Welcome to the Working Week" by Elvis Costello.")
Las: (surprised by song)(looks around and is disgusted and shocked) Oh screw this! (grabs jacket and leaves) (The chorus should follow after him, singing)(After they have all left, Customer 1 runs across the stage with the shotgun, firing towards the door. He is chased by the agents).