(The bell rings and the lights fade in on the classroom setting. The teacher is at the front of the room with his back to the students. There should be 3 groupings of students each talking about something very idffrent. We hear each groups conversation in parts, yet it makes a singular story. Laslow is seated in the center of the three groups.
Group 1:... So there we were in her parents bedroom, I was sitting on the bed and watching her undress, and I was all like, Damn!, ya know, so I start taking my cloths off and then there we are, both buck naked, so ya know, we started makin out and shit, but then, right when we were about to really get at it, the doors fly open and in walks-
Group 2:(in hysterics)-My dead grandmother.... dead... she died in a sking accident. She was coming down the hill at like 30 miles per hour, hit a moggle the wrong way, and went flying head first into-
Group 3:-the oven. It just caught on fire! The tater tots just combused, I don't know why. I simply covered them in paper towel and seasoned the bottom of the pan with some oils and spices. I mean, you'd htink that-
Group 1:-his foot couldn't get stuck in my ass! It took the medics 3 hours to pry the damn thing out! And then there was the whole thing with the striper and-
Group 2:-my grandfather was so distraught about the whole tihng. She was his life, she meant everything to him. Worst of all, once they got to the bottom of the mountain, my Grandfather had a big surprise, he was gonna tell her he was-
Group 3:-Flamming! Everything was burning! If it hadn't been for the fire extinguisher under the sink, I don't know what I would have done about the-
Group 1:-poloroids of us going at it. If they'd fallen out while they were surgically removing the foot, I'm sure it wouldn't gotten wedged a lot farther up there. Luckilly though, all they found was my big 'ol-
Group 2:-One-eye... it seemed to almost be staring into my very soul. Looking into her casket, I felt almost as if she was staring back... but no... the dead can't-
Group 3:-fool with the faucet. I just wish I'd known that before-hand, but, well, as you can plainly see, the burns on my arms show you can never be too-
Group 1:-horny... (silence. everyone looks over at the kid talking in group 1).
Laslow: What?! (the teacher quickly turns around)(all the students should be in their seats)
Plunombris: Mr. Poke! No more outbursts, please!
Laslow: Sorry... (Plun. turns his back again)(a drum roll starts and lights dim down, a roaming spotlight circles the room. A boy stands up on one of the tables with a mike)
Boy: Ladies and Gentlemen, now entering the classroom, Chester, the tester! (the spotlight hits the door as Chester enters. he is dressed like the Riddler from Batman. He wears deep rimmed black glasses and is somewhat fat. He acts very flamboiantly and always talks in rhyme).
Chester: Hello, howdy, how do ya do? Chesters here to ask questions of... (searches room with finger and singles out Laslow) you! Question the first, rarely the worst, If I were an ardvark, would I smell like a horse? (waits for answer, frozen in pose)
Laslow: Are you talking to me? (points to self)
Chester: Ho ho ho and He he he, I asked the question so answer it please!
Laslow: Um, no?
Chester: Correct answer to number one! Wasn't that some giddy fun?
Laslow: Are you gay? (Chester freezes)
Chester: Flamming as I seem to be, I'm as straight as he or he (points to two guys making out) Eeeek! Change it, scratch it, make amends, no more questions from you my friend.
Laslow: Oh god
Chester: Question number 2 for you, what color is black and blue?
Laslow: Please go away...
Chester: int! That's wrong! Too bad, you lose. And now its time to leave, toodle-oo! (Chester leaves, skipping as he goes).(As the light come up, there is a student next to Laslow with a long strong he's trying to insert in Laslows neck. Laslow turns to face him right before the straw makes contact).
Laslow: What now?
Pogue: I vant to suck yo blood! (Laslow smakc him upside the head and a pair of fake vampire teeth full out) Sorry bout that, I didn't think you'd mind.
Laslow: Well, I do, so don't
Pogue: Understood, understood. By the way, I'm Pogue, the resident vampire
Laslow: Sure you are
Pogue: I swear
Laslow: Why the straw and fake teeth?
Pogue: Vampiric pubesence takes a while
Laslow: (Pause) Is everyone in this town somehow deranged or is it just a misconstruted vibe? (pause)
Laslow: Is this town a freak show or not?
Pogue: Oh! No, not at all, were all perfectly normal
Laslow: You're kidding me
Pogue: Nope (takes out a bottle of red juice. Laslow goes wide-eyed) ...V-8
Laslow: Oh... (Laslow's eyes begin to wander. A bunch of students enter the classroom (chorus and Donna) They sto just left of Laslow and Pogue. The Chorus spreads out and Laslow becomes transfixed on Donna).
Chorus: (Hums heavenly verse)
Laslow: (Only one who notices singing) Can you guys stop that? (Chorus gives him a mean look as they continue to hum).
Pogue: Who are you talking too? (sips)
Laslow: Those singing girls.
Pogue: Are you okay?
Laslow: Do you not see the girls over there? (points towards chorus).
Pogue: Yeah... Donna and Marie
Laslow: Nevermind (approaches Donna) Hi
Laslow: I'm Laslow
Donna: I bet you are
Laslow: And you are...
Laslow: Hello Donna
Donna: You already said hello
Laslow: that I did... your not a vampire or harpy or some sort of mythical she-beast, are you?
Laslow: Nevermind, it was nothing
Donna: You're... interesting
Laslow: I try
Donna: I hope not, fake sentiment is something we do not need
Donna: The collective, my people, the Oodinarfs. We are a race of interstellar travelers. We travel from plant to plant collecting the finest possible genetic information. (Laslow stares blankley. He then moves back to Pogue. Donna stares after him, giggling and giving a flirtatious smile).
Laslow: (to pogue) So... your a vampire?
Laslow: And she's an alien?
Laslow: Okay then (slams head on desk. Plunombris turns around and faces class, starting the days lesson.)
Plunombris: Today we will be learning about space, starting with (points to diagram) the sun. The sun is... hmmmm... the sun... (insert song)
The Sun by They Might be Giants
(End of song)
Laslow: Wow, that was amazing, do you all sing that song a lot?
Plun: Excuse me?
Laslow: Do you guys all belong to the choir or something? And the choreo...
Plun: Mr. Poke! I don't know about your last school, but here at ______ High school, we do not interupt class with random popey cock about singing or what have you!
Laslow: But you were all just sin-
Plun: Mr. Poke! Report to the house office at once!
Laslow: But you were all just singing!
Plun: I shall not repeat myself... Mr. Poke. Report to the house office at once!
Laslow: You were singin... oh never mind. (starts to exit and stops at the door) You are aware right after saying you wouldn't repeat yourself, that you repeated yourself, right?
(Plunombris makes an irritated humming noise and Laslow leaves)
Plun: Now that that trouble maker is gone, let us talk about star constellations. (starts to sing aquarious by the 5th Dimension)
(As they sing, the guidance counselor office should be set-up. It should be found out before hand how long this will take so that a point in the song can be choosen at which to cut off. The next part of the scene happens immediatly once the song is cut off)
Setting: There is a desk with a crysal ball and an intercom on it. There are several filing cabinets and all the shades of the room should be closed. Mrs. Mysterio is seated at her desk massaging her temples. She is has long black hair, black eyes, and a slender figure. She should be dressed in a purely black suit with amulets around her neck and wrists. Laslow approaches the office door and prepares to knock.
Mysterio: Enter (Laslow stares at hand and enters office)
Las: Hi, I'm-
Mys: Laslow... be seated.
Las: Um.. ok... I was-
Mys: Sent here by Mr. Plunombris. I know all
Las: Right... As I was say-
Mys: Your seeing things, correct?
Las: No, I'm not seeing things, other people aren't seeing things. Could you please stop-
Mys: Finishing your thoughts? Very well, I shall cease probing your mind.
Las: Um, thanks (Mysterio removes fingers from temples)
Mys: So... lets talk.
Las: Right... um, I'll start... Well, I just moved here and I suppose I'm just unused to some of the native customs of the area.
Mrs: Such as?
Las: Such as... well... the random musical numbers
Mys: The what?
Las: You mean you've never noticed?
Mys: Noticed what?
Las: The random choir that seems to pop up? How everyone suddenly knows choreography to incredibly complex dance in beat with music. You've never noticed that?
Mys: (Pause) Well, I did hear Mr. Gordon humming a song yesterday... but no, I have not noticed any musical numbers.
Las: Well, then, what about the fact that my classes are filled with aliens and vampires, have you noticed that?
Mys: Hmmm... Mr. Poke, I'm going to be frank with you. It is my opinion that your isolation from society, your friends, and family has started to create a chain of pyscopathic hallucinations. Perhaps if you were to take a more active role in your school and community, then perhaps these visions-
Las: Mam, I've been in the community for 3 days... I've been in this school for 20 minutes... sorry if I have yet to plunge into an overly active high school social life!
Mys: Well... Larry-
Las: Your not even trying now.
Mys: (puts hands to temples) I'm sorry, but my powers are needed elsewhere.
Las: But we-
Mys: Just started talking? I know, talk to the secretary on the way out. (exits)(re-enters) Do not think such meanspirited thoughts! You are throwing off my chi. (leaves)(Laslow walks to the guidance office door. He stands in the doorway and faces out to the audience)
Las: High School... if you choose not to accept this mission, you shall self-destruct in 5 seconds... (pause for 5 seconds)... I wish.