As the play starts, the main curtains open and there is a closed traveler behind them. Standing at center stage is a man dressed up like the stage manager from Our Town. He addresses the audience.
Stage Manager: (Over the top Southern accent) The name of this here play is "Our Town,"(pause) whoops, I mean "Normalcy." It was penned by Mr. Laslow Poke during a binge of alcohol, methanol, and tylenol. It is produced and directed by Zash the Stampede. In it you will see Tinky Winky, God, Forest Gump, a Rock, and various pissant extras, or at least the rock and the pissants depending on budgatory costs. The name of the town is Dundant. Ta get there ya go 5 miles north of Texas, hang a left in Austin, fly towards the north star, and then straight on till morning... (matter of factly) or so I am told. The date is unimportant, as is the contents of the story. The time of day however is just around 3 pm...
(traveler opens to show a house setting. In the house is door which leads to a basement, a staircase heading of stage, a door represent the houses frontdoor, and several unopened boxes.) (Sitting on the coach is Laslow). (lights come up)
Laslow: I really, really hate moving like this. The last time that we moved was after Mom's disaterous attempt to reanimate the dead... the villagers in that town swarmed the castle, destroyed her creation, and made it impossible for us to get our security deposit back. Now, we've moved here, Dundant, Seatle... I'd give my family about 3 months here.
My father is a very depressed man. It seems at every chance that he gets that he tries to kill himself. The fact that he keeps on failing at killing himself though must be the worst thing of all for his self-esteem. Just last week he tried to electricute himself by taking a bath with the toaster, sadly though, the power cord wasn't long enough to reach the tub. Dad took that failure real bad.
My parents met during the war. I personally don't know which war it was during, in fact, I don't even really know when my birthday is. My father tells me that he's never had intercourse with my mom, my mom tells me that I'm the by product of a cloning experiment gone awry, and the talking head in the jar say I was born on September 3rd, 1983.
(Prat enters from kitchen with water and a pill. He chugs the water and then swallows the pill. Moments after he takes the pill, he begins to choke. Laslow breaks from his monologue and goes to give his father the hymlick. After several attempts, Prat spits out the pill which Laslow picks up and examines)
Laslow: Cyanide? Dad, since you failed at chocking, that would make this two failure's as compared to your typical one, wouldn't it?
Prat: GOD DAMN!!! (storms up-stairs)
Laslow: (yelling after him) Don't worry, someday you'll do it!
(From Doorway enter Lucia with a head-in-a-jar and Tim dressed as a mayor with a camera under his arm)
Lucia: (glares at Laslow) Oh, your still around? I distincly recall telling the movers to leave all unneeded trash.
Tim: Ho Ho Ho! Such a joy to see such warmth and love in my humble town.
Laslow: Who are you?
Tim: I am mayor Stalin, yes I am related, and I'm here to welcome you to Dundant... Welcome... Please excuse me while I install this surveilance camera. (sets up camera).
Las: (pause) I hate moving... so much
Luc: And I hate you, so it all works out!
Tim: (finishes with camera)...And here are your tracking collars. If you decide to leave town, you must stop at town hall to temporarilly have the collar removed.
Las: And if we don't?
Tim: Your head will be blown off.
Luc: Splendid! Now, mayor Stalin, being new here and all, could you give me a little information on the town?
Tim: (should be trying to make everything sound overly important) Well, the history of Dundant is an interesting one to say the least. It start long long ago, before my fathers, fathers, grandfathers, great, great, grandson.
Las: Wouldn't that be you?
Tim: Don't interrupt kid, your botherin me
Luc: don't mind him, I plan to administer Chinesse water torture in his sleep.
Tim: As I was saying, the history of our fair city starts well near 500 years ago, when this land was used as an indian burial ground (Laslow shocked, Lucia intrigued). Jump forward 497 years, when the former city on this spot, Seatle, was hit by a meteor and incinerated.
Las: But wait, Seatle was never hit by a meteor. In fact, we stoped there on our way here.
Luc: (takes out a hypodermic) Hush up lest you wish for the plague (Laslow retreats to the rooms other side).
Tim: It was about that time that the nuclear power plant exploded, causing the un-un dead zombies to rise in revolt.
Las: Aren't the un-un dead living? (Lucia presses a controller button and an explosion happens near Laslow)
Luc: Please continue.
Tim: Thank you, well, if it hadn't been for the efforts of Gamera, guardian of the universe-
Las: That was a movie!
Luc: (blows a whistle and a long tentacle comes from the basement and pulls Laslow into the basement) You were saying?
Tim: Well, after defeating the zombies, Gamera kind of went on a wild killing spree of his own, destorying the second city to stand on this spot, Paris. The third city on this spot was New York City. This city was defended by spider like man until its destruction by the demonic hordes of hell. So, about a week ago, we sealed up the gate to hell with a giant rock, and within a week built Dundant. (bows as Lucia applauds)
Luc: (almost to self, meloncholy) Ah, how long have I dreamed of a town like this? (Laslow crawls up from the basement, his cloths ripped and torn) Oh, you survied... pity. (Prat enters from stairs)
Prat: I heard an explosion, is there some sort of flamming wreckage one could easily empale themselves on?
Luc: Now, ummm, you-
Prat: Prat... your ex-husband whose been cursed to spend the rest of his life with you...
Luc: Right, now Prat, you know very well that my various impliments of death are in the basement, and only in the basement.
Las: Sorry dad (Prat walks to basement door) Dad, its kind of dark and the stairs aren't that sturdy, be carefull.
Prat: Ha! (Prat enters doorway, we hear the sound of several thuds like that of a man falling down stairs)
Las: Dad! Are you alright?
Prat: Yeah!... God damn it!
(enter chorus from front door)
Las: (Only one who seems to notice) Excuse me, can I help you? (The chorus take up positions all throughout the stage) Um, hello...? (waves hand in front of chorus members face) Hello?
Tim: Well, now that I've installed the, cough cough, security procautions, I think its about time that I head out on my merry tyranical (Lucia sighs longingly) way.
Lucia: Oh please stay, there so much I'd love to talk to you about.
Lucia: Well, for one thing, I could give you some pointers on beefing up your security system by tampering the water supply with a pathogen that would make the civilians die instantly from thinking negative thoughts... or positive ones for that matter.
Tim: Well, you do intrigue me mrs. Poke, I shall say that.
Lucia: Oh, I do more then intrigue Mr. Stalin.
Laslow: (still trying to get chorus's attention) Are these people friends of yours?
Tim: I hope to make both of you my, ahem, intimate friends.
Laslow: Not us, I mean these people who just walked into the room.
Laslow: These people? (points to chorus)
Tim: Well, the air has always been a friend of mine, I suppose. (whispered to Lucia) Is there something wrong with your boy?
Lucia: Oh, its not that there's nothing wrong with him, more like there's nothing right.
Laslow: Mother, are these people more of your experiments?
Lucia: Hmmm, I suppose the boy is seeing things. Well, its good to know all those concoctions I've been injecting into him in his sleep are paying off.
Lucia: Be silent 7B!
Lucia: His experiments code name, 7B.
Tim: I thought you said the boys name was Laslow?
Lucia: I never mentioned the boys name
Tim: Oh, it must be my physcic abilities kicking in.
Lucia: Or some massive act of fate.
Tim: Fate, ha, what popycock. The possibility of all occurences being pre-determined, like a movie.
Lucia: Or a play.
Lucia and Tim: Ha!
Tim: None the less, if the boys name is Laslow-
Lucia: It is not Laslow! That man who jumped down the stairs a while ago, Paul-
Laslow: You're not even trying anymore...
Lucia: 7B! (prepares to blow whistle again as Laslow quickly runs upstairs). As I was saying, it was that man who named him. He took away the experiemental child and hid him till it was too late for me to train him. He then named him Laslow.
Tim: Why Laslow?
Lucia: The first part comes from Last, as in 7B was the last in the monkey child experiment. The Low part of the name comes from Pete's-
Tim: You have stoped trying, haven't you? (Lucia prepares to blow her whistle again, Tim takes out his own whistle, blows it and two men in suits rush in and run down to the basement. They quickly carry Prat from the basement)
Prat: (As being taken away) Are these men going to kill me?
Tim: Mercy me no, they'll simply beat you for information
Prat: Oh... GOD DAMN IT! (Exit Prat and Men in suits)
Lucia: Low for his faith in humanity.
Tim: Oh I see. Well, I'm afraid I must be going, mayor'll duties and all. Speeches, hand shaking, murders, and the spice channel.
Lucia: But, oh, do come again
Tim: I'm sure we'll meet again soon, it is a small town after all. Especially after the last terorist bombing. (Tim leaves)
(Lucia takes out a hand recorder)
Lucia: Things to do, seduce mayor, get groceries, hire new henchman, feed giant octopus- (Tim re-enters)
Tim: Before I forget, remind that son-
Lucia: Cloned Monkey-
Tim: Thing (Lucia shrugs and nods) that it has school tommorow. Sorry to bother.
Lucia: No bother at all. (Tim leaves)
Lucia: Hmmm, that man does entice me. (Picks up head in jar) What do you think? Jealous?
Head: (done over sound system) I was better looking... smarter too.
Lucia: Feh, smarter, maybe, but not better looking.
Head: Whatever. Not as if I care.
Lucia: Now Bill, don't be like that, you know your the only one I'll ever love. If only you'd married me before-
Head: Before the blender incident, I know.
Lucia: (pause) We could still get married...
Head: You know thats impossible, I'm only a head.
Lucia: Excuses excuses
Head: It's not an excuse... I am only a head!
Lucia: First it was your mistress, then it was "that time of the month", after that it was the fact that you had ebola... and now, now its, "I'm only a head."
Head: Once your a head in a jar, you'll understand...
Wedding Bell Blues by 5th Dimension
(end of song)
(Lucia is holding up the jar and it slips out of her hands, shattering on the ground).
Lucia: (long pause)(should be said as if it were a common mistake, like burning toast) Whoops!