By Eric Viets
The first person to be converted by Father Donovan was his mother. Though the day of conversion was by no means memorable to Donovan, it is at least worth mentioning that his mother was the first person he'd manage to convert.
Donovan's mother died during child birth. She never saw her son, but was converted by him all the same.
Donovan grew up in a quiet town in New England. The name of the town is not important, there is no church there devoted to Donovan, neither is their anything of particular significance there that would lead a person to want to visit there.
The only time people had visited the quiet New England town on behalf of Father Donovan was a government anti-terrorist squad on his 25th birthday. They had all come to take down the most wanted terrorist in the world, Donovan Task. All of the members of the squad were converted by Father Donovan, though only the planetary registry would make any note of their passing.
The squad had been sent after an anonymous tip had been made by John Credible of the Church of Earthly Equality.
Growing up in that quiet New England town was a very influential part in the development of the physique of Father Donovan. His father was the owner of a furniture store who was barely able to make ends meet. Donovan never really recognized his father as his father. Donovan believed that would give an unneeded advantage to his father.
In that sleepy New England town, several of the countries elite took residence. There were lawyers, doctors, politicians, and TV infomercial stars. Almost all of the famous people of the town had children, and the children all attended Donovan's high school. Growing up surrounded by such rich and privileged children, Donovan had always wondered what he would have to do in order to be rich and famous too.
When Donovan was thirteen years old, he attended the eighth grade of the towns Junior High School. Donovan was called to the guidance counselors office in order to discuss his future plans and prospects. When the councilor asked Donovan what he wished to be when he grew up, Donovan stated that he wanted to be rich and famous like the other members of the town. The councilor had been less then encouraging in his response.
"It's not that simple." he had replied. "All of those people had to work hard, or are descendents of people who had to work hard. I'm afraid that fame and fortune might not be in the cards for you, Don."
Donovan had asked why it might not be in the cards for him.
"Cause the world isn't a very easy place to live in. Some people are born to be rich, others are born to be poor. However, without different people in different places, the world wouldn't run at all."
Donovan then asked if there was any way of achieving equality.
"Equality? I'm afraid such a thing is a foreign concept to our world Don. Have you ever thought about being a carpenter?"
Donovan replied that he had not.
When Donovan was 24, he was walking down North Tuscon Boulevard in the city. By mistake, he bumped into agent David Pilot, forcing him to drop his folder. All of Pilot's papers spilled across the sidewalk. Donovan apologized and went on. Pilot didn't catch a look at Donovan, he simply grumbled and worked at picking up the papers. Pilot was working on the case of a terrorist fanatic who went around the world killing people in the name of equality. Pilot would never be converted to the religion of Father Donovan, he died of a heart attack moments before Donovan held the service for his greatest conversion.
Upon graduating High School, Donovan went on a trip to the west coast. While there he experimented with several substances which he claimed allowed him greater insight into the inequality of all things. Eventually, Donovan decided to give up the substances, believing that smoking and drinking were like attending church and not listening to the sermon.
It was upon giving up various substances that Donovan decided he would become a priest. Though he did not yet have a congregation, he did know where he could get his hand on a stick of riotousness. As such, Father Donovan bought a ticket back to his quiet New England town.
I met Father Donovan when I was 19 years of age. I was working at a movie theatre on the outskirts of the city. I was a conceccesionary supervisor at the time. Unlike the regular employee's, I wore a black shirt.
Several people had called in sick so I was being forced to work on register instead of my typical supervisory work. Father Donovan approached and ordered a medium popcorn and a large Mellow Yellow. He then asked me if I had ever thought about a way of coming across total equality on the earth?
I replied by asking him if he had ever given thought to spending 50 cents more and getting a movie lovers combo. He was not amused. Neither was I.
He called me a heathen.
I called for the next person in line.
I didn't end up joining Father Donovan's congregation, but I did get a raise of 35 cents for selling the most movie lover combos.
When Father Donovan reached his home, he worked his way to the basement and retrieved his first stick of righteousness. He took the stick and went to the top of a bell tower near the town green. All the people below never noticed Father Donovan on top of the bell tower, and such as it were, never saw his message of equality coming.
Father Donovan managed to convert thirteen people that day. Certain people saw the number thirteen as unlucky. Father Donovan saw it as a number of salvation.
When Donovan was 23 he converted an author by the name of Michelle Tad. Michelle had been writing a book on the psychology of the criminally insane, and had wanted to interview Donovan for her final chapter, entitled, "A Case of Extreme Delusion." Donovan had corresponded to Mrs. Tad by way of her brother, a new devotee to the Church of Earthly Equality. They agreed to meet at a local amusement park well known for having the worlds scariest roller coaster, coincidentally, where the two would meet to conduct the interview.
When Michelle entered the theme park she was greeted by the scream of hundreds of frightened family's, running in fear shouting "It broke!" and "My God!" and "Why?!" Michelle tried to stop several people to find out what had happened, however, their hysteria got the best of them and none were capable to answer any of her questions.
When Michelle eventually arrived at the roller coaster, it was deserted with the exception of one man, standing next to a derailed coaster kart surrounded by various body parts and metal chunks.
"My God?!" she said in a low hushed voice as she starred like a deer in the headlights at the atrocity.
Donovan greeted Michelle with a smile and approached her in order to cordially shake her hand. He explained that the interview would have to be brief given the current circumstances, he'd been expecting her to be a tad bit earlier then she was. She'd been held up by traffic and was, in fact, running a good ten minutes late.
"Did… did you…" she stammered as she gazed transfixed at the carnage.
He replied that he had not been the cause of the accident, but in fact, that it must have been an act of God's benevolence and further proof that he was on the right path. Despite her attempts to be professional and compose herself, the sight of the mangled bodies and amputated limbs surrounding the roller coaster unnerved her to no end. Tears streamed down her face as she asked her one and only question to Father Donovan.
"How is this benevolent?!" she screamed.
Donovan then took it upon himself to explain that the world was, in fact, a very unequal place. Such as it was, God didn't have the time to go around and make everyone uniformly equal to everyone else, such a task would be incredibly difficult and time consuming, and God probably had several appointments to which he must attend. Such as it was, God had revealed to Donovan that the only true equality was death. Within death, all people were equal, and so, it would be his job as God's messenger to spread his message of equality in every shape and form. For such a reason, he had chosen to meet at the amusement park, though the significance of the park, aside from the roller coaster, made no sense to her. He then commented that it was getting late and that the as yet unenlightened would soon be swarming the area and that it was far too early for him to receive his equivalency. He then bid Mrs. Tad adieu, made a good-bye gesture with the electric wrench in his hand and went on his way, whistling the only song to be put into the Gospel of the Church of Earthly Equality, "The Impression that I Get" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, a song about how much work he had yet to do.
About thirteen minutes later, the authorities arrived on the scene and questioned Michelle about the incident. She reported what she'd seen, drank a cup of coffee that the paramedics supplied, and then returned to her automobile. Michelle buckled her seatbelt, and laid her head on the steering wheel and once again began to cry. Perhaps if she had not been crying, she never would have received conversion by Father Donovan.
Such as it was, Michelle never heard the sound of the worlds largest Ferris wheel collapsing overhead. Michelle's car was crushed by fragments of the amusement ride. Michelle, as such, was converted to eternal equality.
Michelle Tad never finished her book, however, upon returning to his desk at the 33rd Precinct, David Pilot managed to rearrange the papers he had dropped earlier and right up a fairly accurate description of the worlds number one terrorist mastermind, Donovan Task.
The profile was later sent to the various crime prevention organizations around the country, though it did little good. As far as most people were concerned, the chances of being effected by a singular lunatic were a zillion to one. What must people didn't take into account were the several disciples which Donovan had taken in. If one mathematically computed the ratio of disciples to heathens on the face of the earth, the chance of being effected by Donovan or his congregation became roughly a one in thirteen million chance.
If a person were to add into this equation the fact that some of the disciples were chemical biologists and rocket scientists, the chances became about one in thirteen.
If a person further computed the idea that Donovan might be able to get his hands on a tool of massive world equality, the ratio became an equilibrium at one to one. At the time of the report, though, the zillion to one chance was still fairly reasonable.
At the age of thirty one, Father Donovan managed to get his hands on several devices of equality and had placed them strategically across the world in order to create perfect equality on Earth. In his dark violet robes, Donovan peered at the Earth through a large telescope on Grace from a million miles away as he sipped a glass of green tea. He was the only person who lived in Grace, it would have been a statement of inequality to let anyone else escape the ravages that would soon befall the earth. As such, Donovan had assured his disciples that at the moment the devices on earth were triggered, a similar device would be triggered in Grace, brining forth complete and utter equality.
Donovan had five cups of green tea that day, forcing his bladder to excrete large amounts of water. At the time during which the earth became completely equal, Donovan was in the bathroom. After finishing his excretion, he walked back to his giant telescope and stared at the equilibrium that had become Earth.
If there had been any reporters left, they probably would have wanted to hear Donovan's response. Quite a few people would be surprised to here that his response was "Darn, missed it."
During his summer of self-exploration on the west coast, Donovan (he was not yet a father) married a girl by the name of Mary. Mary hadn't been an incredibly bright girl, but she had been moved by Donovan several times when he had been on his psychedelic mind trips.
On one such trip she had asked him how he had become so smart. He replied that he would eventually be just as smart as everyone else, in hind-sight. She said that she wished she could be as smart as him. He had replied that one day she would, in hind-sight. She said that she loved him. He replied that he loved sharing everything with everyone, and as such, he would share his love with her.
The two were married twenty minutes later. The ceremony was beautiful.
When Donovan decided to become a father, it was in his sleep the night of his honeymoon. Mary had told him that his genitals were a tad below average, but that it was no big deal, she had had smaller. It was after their intercourse that idea of a world of complete and utter equality came to Donovan.
As his eyes quickly shot open at around 4:30 in the morning, Father Donovan quickly sat up, took the pillow from beneath his head, and converted Mary.
When the earth became a place of complete and utter equality, I was working at a movie theatre on the moon. The current blockbuster playing was a remake of Jesus Christ Superstar. I was then a manager at the theatre, and was ordering another shipment of Crucifix Candy Bars (they were the current promotion we were running). The call was cut off half-way thru due to the Earth becoming a place of complete and utter equality.
I wasn't aware, at the time that the Earth had become a place of eternal equality. I then went to the backroom and recounted how many Crucifix Candy Bars we had left. We had thirteen boxes left.
What an unlucky number, I had thought to myself.
When Donovan was 27 years old, he converted what was then known as Canada. He was planning to test a new device for creating equality in Antarctica, but the plane that was carrying the devices was shot down by the Canadian tank. Such could be chalked up to either good luck or bad luck one might suppose. When the plane crashed, the devices detonated and converted all the people of Canada, as well as a quite a few in Alaska and the bordering territories of the United States to loyal member of the Church of Earthly Equality.
The vision of Donovan called for an equality through death. The concept was revolutionary, the execution was not, but gradually improved. People who had become fed up with their station in life flocked to the Church of Earthly Equality. In the beginning, the congregation's desciples were composed of various rough necks and thugs from the streets. As Donovan's message spread across the nation, though, it caught on as the latest intriguing trend for the upper class. For several of the well-to-does who had caught onto fads like Christianity and Scientology, the Church of Earthly Equality was another interesting concept to fill up the time between work weeks.
A famous infomercial star, coincidentally from Father Donovan's home town, was one of the first of the upper class to be persuaded by Father Donovan's message, but was not yet quite ready to devote his life to the cause. Such as it was, he filmed an infomercial for the church which ran from the hours of four to six am on the majority of cable stations across the nation. The infomercial asked for funding to finance the messenger that was Father Donovan. Over the course of five years, the infomercial would accumulate to roughly one.
The sum is referred to as one due to the fact that that was what it purchased... One space station. The name of the space station would be Grace. On Father Donovan's thirtieth birthday, the space station would launch with Father Donovan as its single passenger. As a means of furthering his message of equality, Donovan asked that the devotees to the church stand beneath the stations engines as it lifted off.
Roughly 5000 people were converted that day.
I never met David Pilot, but I do know how he died, his was one of the last recorded deaths on earth. David had been researching the case of Father Donovan when he was called in to question a scientist named Paul, who reported having worked on the device which had devastated Canada.
David didn't see Canada as much of a loss, he never did like hockey, and he thought that the maple leaf was innuendo for cannabis.
After injecting the scientist with Methodagine, the most powerful truth serum at the time, he proceeded to question Paul about what had happened.
Paul explained that it had all been a mistake, in fact, he stated that the event was intervention by God. Apparently he didn't believe the message was being spread quickly enough. He assured David not to worry though, stating that the premature conversion mission had in no way effected the big picture.
David then inquired as to what the big picture was as he took a long gulp from his Venti Larga Enorme Coffee from LottaBucks.
"Well," said Paul "Father Donovan is going to create earthly equality from heaven thanks to the Arks."
For those unfamiliar, the gospel ark saved two of every animal. Father Donovan's Arks would bring salvation to far more then that.
"And how, pray tell, will the Arks do this?"
Paul then let a smug smile escape from his face and looked into Pilot's eyes.
"Well," he said "In about 10 minutes, about 20 Arks are going to detonate and create a completely equal world. So, if you don't mind, may I go? I promised my family that I'd convert them before the mass conversion, that way there'll be a smaller line when we get to the gates of the afterlife." Oddly enough, the Church of Earthly Equality said nothing about an afterlife, Paul the apostle was simply hoping.
David dropped his coffee. David clutched his heart. David died after a minute of gasping. David's heart attack was entered into the planetary registry by his assistant, Fredrick Herod three minutes later. Ten seconds after David's death had been entered in, the power went out. Several milli-seconds after that, all beings on Earth were converted.
It took Father Donovan roughly a year to land his space station on the surface of the Earth. After the Arks had exploded, the surface of the Earth had become a completely flat area, devoid of any features which would make any one part different from any other. In most conceptual notions, the world had become a place where all places were equal.
When Father Donovan landed Grace and took his first steps toward the earth he had help to create, he tripped and fell from the ship to the ground below. He quickly sprang up from the dirt and dusted himself off. He looked to the westward horizon and saw nothing but flat lands. He looked to the eastern horizon and saw more of the same.
Father Donovan then removed his velvet robes and stood naked on the Earth. One arm pointed to the East, another arm pointed to the West, and his erect penis pointed to the South. Father Donovan then looked down towards his compass like pecker and simply said one thing.
"Below average my ass."
Thus it is; May it be so